The Über-Secrets, Part II: Be Helpable
Bonnie St. John has spent years living, working, and training with world class performers as an Olympic skier, a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford, a White House economic official, and a consultant to hundreds of global companies. Her most recent book is How Strong Women Pray.
What makes the difference between a star and a superstar?
In his book, Life is a Contact Sport, Ken Kragen, an agent for many famous singers and actors, argued that it isn’t talent, hard work, focus, or attitude that guarantees success. Many people with all of that going for them achieve a certain level and then plateau.
What is the one thing superstars have that others don’t? More help. Kragen recommended to his emerging talent that they learn how to be more helpable. Send more thank you notes. Be more humble. Ask for help.
I was stunned when I learned this nugget of wisdom. I could see in my own life that I was used to being a high achiever, being strong and independent, and even being stubbornly persistent. I was not necessarily the easiest person in the world to help. Similarly, when I speak to groups of high-performing sales teams, women on Wall Street, and other go-getters, I find that “being helpable” is not usually on their list of the attributes they respect. Women in particular can find it difficult to ask for help in a predominantly male environment because they are concerned about appearing weak.
There are so many good reasons to turn down help in different circumstances. Here are a few of my personal favorites:
• It’s easier to do it myself than have to explain it to someone else
• They won’t do it right, and then I will have to do it over anyway
• There’s no budget for help
• I just don’t know how anyone could help me with this
• If I ask for help, then I have to listen to complaints or excuses. I have to keep pushing until they get it done. It isn’t worth it!
I agree; it is often easier to do something myself in the short term. But if I make the investment of time and energy to figure out how to get help from others, it pays off over and over in the future.
Here are ten ways that I remind myself to be more helpable:
1. Just say “Yes.” If you focus on it, you’ll notice how many times people may offer help and you say, “No, thanks.” Sure it may be harmless, but it is a habit. Try to go for a week accepting help whenever it is offered. It will help you get used to the feeling of accepting help.
2. Ask. When you don’t know how anyone can help you, try asking for help to figure it out. Ask people on your team to brainstorm with you on how they can help. They may understand what they can do better than you do!
3. Stand up for what you need. Often we give up on getting what we need without really trying—particularly women, who dislike negotiating far more than men. In Women Don’t Ask, Babcock and Laschever estimated through several studies that men ask for what they want four times more often than women do and thus get not only higher wages, but also more resources in their department, more administrative help, and more of the help they need. Don’t be afraid to make the case for what you need and extra budget to cover the people or services required.
4. Barter for help. “I’ll help you with X if you help me with Y.” This works across departments, with co-workers, and with family.
5. Take time to train. Be willing to take the time to train others to help you with something that will come up again and again. Don’t forget to be appreciative. Take the long view.
6. Request from a position of strength. Instead of asking for help, ask for resources necessary to complete the job. Delegate and brainstorm for solutions together. Also, cultivate trusted relationships where you can let down your guard and get help without feeling awkward.
7. Be flexible. Don’t dictate exactly how things need to be done. Retain high standards, but let the other person use their talents, too. Loosening up a bit can make you more helpable.
8. Be specific. When someone comes to you for help or advice and is vague and open-ended about what they want, doesn’t that make it harder for you to help them? Sometimes a specific request for help can seem pushy, but it is much easier to answer.
9. Don’t be afraid of “No.” If you are asking for help, you may experience a certain amount of rejection. Ask more people. If you get half positive and half negative responses, you still get more help.
10. Help others. If you make a habit of helping others, they are more likely to step up when you need help in return.
Being helpable may seem harder at first, but as you get more help—even in little ways—you free up more of your own energy and talent to be a superstar!
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